hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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