...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
