Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
