I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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