$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
