Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize