Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
