I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
