Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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