I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
