walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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