We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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