What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
