dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
