Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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