In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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