matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
this just has baby written all over it
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
