If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
