I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
