I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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