I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize