Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
