We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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