We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
