dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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