Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
