I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
