How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
