i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
