my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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