we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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