I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
