no, he came in my armpit
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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