i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
