I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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