Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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