he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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