I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize