her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
