Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
