So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize