so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
