I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
