Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
