omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
