I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
