apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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