she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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