i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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