This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
