Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
