I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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