Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize