your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize