I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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