Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
