I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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