matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize