two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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