I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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