make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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