How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
