when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just googled if crying burns calories
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
