In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize