my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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