Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
