I'm sorry my penis didn't work
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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