I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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