Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
